One Pound At A Time

On again, off again, on again

2005-08-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

Early last week, I called eDiets to cancel my membership.

Earlier today, I reactivated my membership!

After long, hard thoughts about which weight loss program Honey and I can do together, and realizing that we're just TALKING About it instead of actually making a move to do it, I decided that I liked eDiets a lot and that I was going to go back on it. He's agreed to follow the meal plan with me every day (only making adjustments when I have tuna for lunch and whatnot).

My back and neck are still really painful at times but I can't keep sitting on my ass. That's not helping, obviously. I have good days and I have bad days...just like everyone else. So I'm just going to get up and walk a while to help build up strength.

Honey's goingto the grocery store tonight and we shall start again!

Have you seen the show Calorie Commando on the Food Network? Check it out! AWESOME recipes! Tomorrow night I'm making the Commando fried chicken! *drool*

Starting Over

2005-07-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't weighed myself in forever. I never do unless I'm actively working to lose weight...

I carefully convinced Honey to get back on the Weight Loss Wagon with me so we can do this together. He's got well over 100 pounds to lose and he was dropping the weight like flies a couple years ago after his gall bladder gave out. Since then, though, he's put it all back on and probably thensome. A couple months ago I tried to get him pumped up to start losing weight with me again but it was a no-go. He is extremely protective of his free time outside of work. I get a few hours of his time on the weekends to dictate a Honey-Do list to him but otherwise, his time is his. Plus, he can't handle doing several hobbies in small increments every day. It's all or nothing. Like the last time he was losing weight he walked on the treadmill every day. For four miles. Took him two hours. And it would come before eating dinner or anything else he may want to do between getting off work and going to bed. Since January, he's been learning to play the banjo. So every evening and most weekends he would only play the banjo for hours on end. Fortunately, the banjo fever is breaking, I think. He doesn't play nearly as often, though he does still go to his lessons class once a week. Since I noticed that he's got more time, I carefully suggested that we do this together. Then he got stoked about it. CAme up with some ideas of his own (like rewards of new tattoos for both of us when we reach our goal weight). I just tested and reaped the rewards of the wife planting the seed and then making the husband think it was his idea all along!! WOO HOO!

So I also got him to try Weight Watchers with me for one month. Yesterday, I believe he indicated that we start on Monday, Aug 1. So I'll line up a meeting for us to go to and get started on that. I'll get motivated as soon as I get to the WW meeting and will be better able to stick to the program with Honey doing it too. When he sets his mind to something...I mean REALLY sets his mind to it...it gets done. We can do it together.

In a while I'll be getting a brand new blog. When I do that, I will take this one down and just combine my weight loss thoughts into categories on my main blog. If you're interested in being informed of when I do this move, please leave a comment here and I'll notify you when it's time! :)

Thanks!

2005-07-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all your suggestions and support! I wasn't sure anyone was even reading this blog anymore!

I've been doing awful lately with my eating. I had a big bowl of low fat moose tracks ice cream last night. Yeah, most of my choices are still low fat or low cal but I'm not controlling my portions or planning ahead or eating enough vegetables. I got so sick of salads last month that I can barely make it through one salad a week now!

So I'm thinking of switching from eDiets to Weight Watchers. I've had success there before and I think I'm ready to get out and socialize with other people who are working to lose weight, too. I just don't have the motivation to get out there and do it. Not to mention my back has been very painful as of late so walking or other kinds of exercising have been out of the question lately. AND we got a TiVo last weekend. How counter-productive can you get!?!? Hahah!

My shrink suggested that I don't refer to it as a "diet." Instead, she said I should think about calling it a new "nutritional plan." (NP for short) Not a bad idea. But "diet" is so much easier to say than "nutritional plan."

Here I am!

2005-07-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

I was gone on vacation for over a week! WHEW! Had a lot of fun! If you want to see pictures, click here.

I stopped following eDiets so strictly about two weeks before our trip. And while on vacation, I found it impossible to stick to the diet, too. I ate seafood every day and only once was it fried. But I did enjoy butter, hush puppies, key lime pie, and other treats that only the South can offer! I haven't weighed myself since I got back. I am putting that off until this weekend so I can start fresh again with a new weekly meal plan from eDiets. The good news is that my shorts didn't get tighter. If anything, they felt loose by the end of the day. I did do lots of walking and some swimming almost every day so that was good.

But I'm feeling unmotivated to keep going to lose weight. It's so much work. I'm totally disenchanted with the idea now. It's so much more fun and easier to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm afraid I've lost my determination and motivation. Where do I go from here? How do I climb back on the wagon? Please help!

The Scale's going the wrong way!

2005-06-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

I put a pound back on last week. I started to beat myself up over it and then stopped, knowing full well that A) it's just one pound! B) I was still being very cautious in my portion sizes and avoiding the highly-fattening foods like Honey's Krispy Kremes on Sunday and C) I didn't get any exercise last week because my back was still healing. I'm sure if I walked last week I would've dropped that pound or at least maintained at 240. No big deal. My back is feeling much better. I'm going to try walking a bit today or tomorrow. And I will get back on my menu plan more strictly because I'm going on an 11 day vacation in two weeks and I know it'll be hard to stick to my diet then. If I get back on track now then it'll be easier to keep my goals in mind on the trip.

This all sounds good I think. It's not as exciting anymore. I mean my pants are still loose and I sort of fit into an old swimsuit I bought two years ago without trying on but could never get into.

Woo hoo!

2005-06-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

I still lost 2 more pounds this past week even though I didn't get any exercise and didn't follow my meal plan to a T. I did control my portions and made wise choices. And it paid off!! YAY!

This morning Honey woke up and suggested Krispy Kreme doughnuts for breakfast. I used to enjoy them. But now that I know how horrible they are to my diet, I can't go there anymore! I'll allow myself a bite if confronted with them but that hasn't happened yet. So I suggested we try something else since K.K. doesn't really have a low-fat or low-cal choice for me. We compromised on Einstein bagels. He got a sausage, egg and cheese bagel sammich while I did some research on the net and decided on a cinnamon raisin swirl bagel with low fat honey almond cream cheese. I also had yogurt with blueberries and a scrambled egg. I'm STUFFED!

Still here...sort of

2005-06-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't fallen off the wagon. Don't worry.

I somehow injured my back and have been laid up since Weds. Can barely take care of myself. I have been trying to limit my portion sizes and carefully controlling WHAT i eat but I'm not sticking to my eDiets plan 100% while I'm laid up. I just can't do it -- especially with my husband doing the cooking and meal planning for us lately.

We had pizza two days in a row (the second day was leftovers). But I requested we stick to thin crust and I ate a big salad with it both times. We drove through Chick-Fil'E (sp??) yesterday on our way home from the doctor's office. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with a fruit cup instead of fries.

So I'm doing alright. When I get back on my feet again and can take care of myself better, then I'll go right back to following the plan meal by meal and also journalling my food intake. I weigh in tomorrow. I got weighed at the doc's yesterday and I hadn't gained anything since Sunday. But I also hadn't lost anything (not really able to exercise with a busted back!). Then again, all scales are set differently so I'll just stick to what my own home scale says tomorrow. Whew.

Now, back to sleep I go...

Portions portions portions

2005-06-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

Went out to lunch yesterday. Was peer-pressured into having a "shot glass" taste of a beer. It was good and I toyed with the idea of having a whole beer with lunch. Then dismissed it and ordered iced tea. Thought about ordering the mussles and angel hair pasta with the lemon butter wine sauce on the side but then dismissed it when the waitress told me it was big enough for leftovers. I wanted to say, "No lady, this is a one time deal. Eat it all now or don't eat it at all. There will be no taking home of this mussles and pasta!" Instead, I ordered a chicken salad melt (chicken salad on english muffin with tomato and a piece of melted cheddar on top. I only ate half of it. And I ordered pasta salad on the side instead of fries. Barely touched the pasta too. I felt really good about myself after that!

And my in-between meals snacking has diminished quite a bit. I didn't snack between meals all weekend. On Saturday we went to Schlotzky's for dinner but I chose a good sandwich and a salad and was full for under 600 calories. I took my own natural light popped popcorn to the movie theater. Halfway throug the movie I realized I was more than halfway through the popcorn. I handed it over to Honey and asked him to take it away from me. Good job!

We drove by Dairy Queen yesterday. There was a crowd of people standing outside. I yelled (in the privacy of the car) to them, "YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELVES!" I know, I know...I'm not getting all arrogant about it now. I still love DQ. I'll probably go there again. And most of those people there probably run 15 miles every day or something like that. So one peanut buster parfait won't kill them. It wouldda killed me is the difference here. I didn't know when to stop. I'd order a large because Honey was ordering a large...even though I really only wanted a small. I make better choices now. I put a lot of thought into what I am putting into my mouth. And I choose accordingly.

We went bicycle shopping yesterday. I think I want this bike:

It doesn't require so much bending over like on a mountain bike so it's better for my back. I rode it around the parking lot at the store yesterday and immediately felt the workout in my legs. I am so excited to get a bike!!!!!! Soon....soon....

Ut oh. I don't think I defrosted anything for dinner. Yikes! Gotta run!

Dairy Queen Tried To Kill Me

2005-06-01T12:07:00.000-07:00

I was just foolin' around on the net today and discovered that some of my favorite regular treats have been slowly killing me over the years. Take Dairy Queen for example. I usually alternated between ordering a Peanut Buster Parfait or a Blizzard with chocolate chunks and cherries in it.
A Peanut Buster Parfait has 730 calories and 31 grams of fat in it!!! They don't list all of their Blizzard flavors but let's just consider this one: a medium sized Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard has 1030 calories and 40 grams of fat.

As an ice cream addict, I discovered a love for Cold Stone Creamery within in last few years. I don't go there often but when I do, I stuff myself with the sweet, cold goodness. Here's the bad news: a medium size cup of Sweet Cream Ice Cream is 660 cals and 40 grams of fat. That's not even including toppings and mix-ins! Their gigantic waffle cones are not as bad as I had anticipated: only 160 cals and 4 g of fat. Want it dipped in anything? You're looking at triple that amount for each.

A couple times I've enjoyed frozen custard from Good Times Burgers (GREAT burgers by the way!). It's actually my dad's favorite place to get ice cream. Dad, listen up. Your one scoop of butter pecan frozen custard has 549 calories and 38 g of fat. I usually get the Carmel Toffee Crunch Spoonbender. Are you ready for this? 1087 cals and 55 g of fat! *keeling over* I'm not even going to look at the nutritional information on their burgers.

I used to adore soft serve frozen yogurt at places like TCBY and Penquin's (do they even have Penquin's anymore???). DQ even used to have a frozen yogurt version of the Blizzard called a Breeze. That was my favorite. Alas it is no longer available.

I've located a TCBY not too far from my house so the next time I find myself swimming in a pool of unbearable soft serve cravings, that is where I will go!

Here are links to the nutritional info I found:

Dairy Queen
TCBY
Cold Stone Creamery
Good Times Burgers and Frozen Custard

Weigh-In Day

2005-05-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's official: I've lost 11 pounds so far! GO ME!!!

My new shorts were literally falling off me yesterday. I need a new belt.

We moved a bunch of furniture around the house yesterday. What a great workout! We still have some more to do today and then some cleaning. Also, I've volunteered to mow the lawn. Although now my muscles are really hurting from yesterday and I'm not looking forward to pushing that mower all over. Ugh.

Honey said the other night he had a dream that I was skinny. He said it was cool. YAY!

Last night we had pizza (thin crust from papa murphys). And I had half of a rum and diet coke. I had forgotten to take my Nexium in the morning so my stomach was on FIRE last night and I couldn't finish my drink. But an hour or so after dinner, we were still watching a movie (Fight Club) and I was obsessing about having a sweet treat. I kept thinking, "I'll have that ice cream bar now...no now..." But I never got up from my chair. I had two kitties passed out on my lap and I didn't want to disturb them. Then, all of a sudden, it was about 10pm and I decided it was too late to be having dessert...and I wasn't even hungry. A half hour later, I still wanted some but realized that I just wanted some because I was BORED! AH HA! Needless to say, I didn't have any dessert. I went to bed a little tiny bit hungry at midnight and felt great about it. Starving this morning but breakfast was nice. :)

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

IT'S WORKING!!!

2005-05-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

The scale was not cooperating with me earlier this week. It said I hadn't lost any weight. That'll teach me to weigh myself too often! I won't do it again until my official weigh-in/check-in day at ediets.

But I broke down and measured myself just now. Here are my results:

Bicep: 13.5"
Chest: 48"
Wasit: 46.5"
Hips: 56"
Thigh: 25.75"
Calf: 17.5"

That's almost an average of 1 inch loss all around! IT'S WORKING!!! I AM SHRINKING!!!
GO ME!!!!!!

I had to go buy some summer clothes yesterday. I know, it's silly for a person on such a diet to go buy new clothes right after she's started shrinking. But I don't fit in my summer clothes from two years ago yet - although I am able to get the capris past my thighs finally, just not buttoned! And it's HOT HOT HOT already so I needed something to wear! Pant size stayed the same for now but I was able to buy a couple of 2X shirts instead of all 3X's! The best part about it was I didn't want to break the mirror when I was trying them on in the dressing room. I actually thought, "Hey, look at me. I'm a cutie. There's a thin person in here waiting to get out and I think I can see her starting to poke through!"

Ooooo what fun!

Do the Coooooooool Whip!

2005-05-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Do you know how much I love fat free Cool Whip?!?! OMG YUM! Here's how it's magical:

Haven't had my last serving of fruit for the day because I was full at dinner. Okay. No problem.
Later...craving something sweet to tide me over before bed. Don't really want frozen yogurt (too heavy), sorbet (too sugary), or Snackwell's cookies (too requiring-a-glass-of-milk).
Solution: Have serving of fruit with a glop or two of fat free Cool Whip! 2 TB is only 15 cals and, you guessed it, NO FAT!

I repeat....YUM!!!

Hello, Mirror Self

2005-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

I caught a glimpse of my self in the mirror yesterday morning and was absolutely floored. My face looks GREAT! It's clear and bright, and I think a little thinner/not as bloated as before. I'm sure this is all due to the gallons of water I'm drinking every day, and the fruits and veggies too. It happened again this morning. I'm looking good!

Climbed onto the treadmill a bit ago. Put on one of my favorite sloppy shirts to sweat in. It's not as tight around the middle as it used to be. I have this ritual when I put on t-shirts. It involves putting the shirt over my head, pulling it down, and then stretching the bottom half OUT so that it lays baggily around my middle (at least for a while). I haven't had to do that as much in the past week. Either I've stretched out all of my shirts already or I might be shrinking in the middle. This is good news.

I'm feeling lazy this week for some reason. First it was because it was too danged hot outside to go out there. And now it's too cold and gloomy. What's my problem?

I joined a support group for 20 Somethings on eDiets yesterday. They're pretty good group of ladies. Awfully chatty though. I guess that's where the support part comes into play. So I just ask a bunch of random questions that I've been wondering. Like today I asked why fiber was so important in a diet. We'll see what they say.

I'm all yucky from my work out. Time for a shower!

Curves?

2005-05-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of joining Curves. There's one less than a mile from my house. If I don't do it right away, it will be part of my backup plan to lose weight when I burn out on eDiets.

Anyone else use Curves? Like it? Don't like it? What do you think?

Fruit Salad

2005-05-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

So, my in laws are having us over for dinner tonight. I found out about this Monday evening and promptly began to panic. This would be the first meal that's completely out of my control. How will I manage? Will my self-control be strong? Can I turn food away without offending anyone?

I emailed my eDiets mentor for suggestions on how to handle it. She still hasn't responded (I'm trying to get a new mentor since this one doesn't seem to have the time to actually mentor). I mentioned my concerns to Honey. He acknowledged my concerns but didn't know what I could do about them. Finally, after talking with my shrink (duhhhh!), I decided to call up MIL and offer to bring some kind of salad. That way, in the midst of said offer, I can inquire as to what the main course will be and can plan accordingly.

My in laws cook GREAT meals. They always provide balanced courses with fruits, veggies, etc. But sometimes their entree is loaded with fat or oil. Ribs, salmon, quiche...all delightful but brimming with fat. I told MIL last week that I started this diet and she didn't seem fazed by it one bit. I didn't think she heard me. But maybe she did. She's making shish-kabobs tonight. THat's great! Grilled, with tons of veggies. So I made a gigantic fruit salad just now. You can read about it here if you'd like. And I am serving it up in my giant silver salad bowl that has a great big flower embossed in the bottom. It also has two salad forks/spoons with big bumblebees on the handles. I got these for my wedding and I try to use them every chance I get!

I'm a bit nervous about this dinner, though. Not so much about the food anymore but mostly because the purpose of it is to have a family meeting about money. Money makes me nervous. I need to keep myself in check tonight and not over-eat out of pure anxiety. EMOTIONAL EATING. "No des." as my Honey would say.

Wish me luck!

Baby Dreams again

2005-05-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

Had a dream I was pregnant last night. I kept taking these strange pregnancy tests and they kept coming up sort of positive, andthen not, etc etc. Eventually I had two or three that said I was indeed fully pregnant. I was so happy!

I can't even wait to have a baby!!!!!

Inspiration

2005-05-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

CheekyMoo made a list of the REAL things that have changed/improved in her life since she lost weight. I totally relate to almost everything on this list (from the fat point of view) and look forward to making a list like this of my own some day! Thank you, Cheeky for the inspiration!

Scales and such

2005-05-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

I used to never get on the scale. I mean never. Truly, the only time I'd ever climb onto a scale was either A) when I'd go to the doctor's office or B) when I'd try to lose weight every couple of years. Now that I am losing weight, I can see how easily a person can get addicted to weighing onesself! I am supposed to weigh-in through eDiets once a week and my next weigh/check-in there is on Sunday the 22nd. But I can't help it...I want to see what's happening. I want to see myself shrink those numbers right before my eyes! I'm not getting on the scale every day, mind you. Just every two or three days. I weighed myself Sunday morning for my check in and I did it again this morning. Lost another two pounds. I feel AWESOME!

Fell short of my minimum caloric allottment yesterday by about 200 cals. I know in the long term that's not a good thing, if I do that consistantly. And I won't. Honey assured me that sometimes that just happens and it's okay. I'm just so afraid of doing that too often, feeling like I'm getting a boost on my weight loss and then developing an eating disorder. My mom had an eating disorder for years and years (anorexia, bulemia, you name it...she had both). I'm terrified that I could easily slip into that twisted frame of mind. Then again, I guess obesity and eating unhealthy foods without any sense of self-control is another form of an eating disorder. Hmmm, might have to talk to my shrinkydink about that one.

I saw a commercial this morning for a "weight loss" product that supposedly worked like magic. It's not FDA approved, of course, and it's just a pill that you take daily (I don't know how often). They had all these people making comments about how great the product is. And, I kid you not, this one man said (something along these lines), "You don't have to change your diet or even exercise. This pill will just strip the weight off you." Really? Even I know that's not possible or even healthy for the human body if such a pill actually existed! Give me a break! It sounded like he was endorsing the product to entice heavy people to just sit on their butts and keep eating those DingDongs and HoHos by the pound and just pop this little pill and you'll shrink like magic. COME ON! It doesn't work that way! Weight loss is HARD ASS WORK. And it's consistantly so.

A couple years ago I tried taking Xenical to help me lose weight. It was the best option for me because it wasn't a "diet pill" that affected the metabolism - I can't handle those. Basically, what it did (as I understood it from my doc) was strictly limit the amount of fat that my body would absorb and then flush out any excess. Basically, if I ate nothing but pepperoni pizzas all day long, I'd spend the whole evening on the toilet. It wasn't pretty. Not ideal for a person with IBS! And that medication was EXPEN$IVE! But with the first three months of a prescription, I also got a dietician with whom I would work via email. She tracked my weight, activity level, gave me calorie limits every day, etc. It was good. But, again, I was on the toilet too much if I ever indulged in anything with butter or cheese! So, that didn't work out for me after a while.

Back to my point...I know that losing weight is hard work. It takes personal committment, determination, pride and, above all, courage. I am not saying that I'm perfect this time around or that I'll maintain all of these ideals for the next 90 pounds. There will be dips in the road, temptations I can't resist, etc. But I am well aware of the fact that this takes work and time and patience and care.

Really, if that magic diet pill I saw on TV this morning really worked, there would not be as many obese people in the world!

---------------------------------------------

On another note, I'm having some sudden PMS symptoms all of a sudden (light cramping and spotting). What is that about? It's not my "moon time" yet. I'm flabbergasted.

Distraction

2005-05-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how being distracted by something can make you lose all track of time!

My walk around the neighborhood on Friday was rough. The first 10 minutes were fine but then the dog got hot, and I ran out of places to walk to without A) having to climb some steep incline that I'm not ready for yet or B) ending up so far from home when my time's up and I'm dawg tired from walking. So anyway, it was going to be 80 degrees out today and that's too hot for hoofin' it. I climbed on the treadmill this afternoon with my brand new Real Simple magazine, ready to chug through my 20 minute walk. Turned on the fan, the radio, put on my glasses and off I went. I read about how to properly shave my legs, the right way to use plastic wrap and a touching story about a woman who's long-term friendship was destroyed over monetary loans. I didn't even get halfway through the issue when my time was up. Whew! I was so immersed in the magazine that I forgot all about the walking. Imagine that!

Soon we'll have the ability to move the treadmill in the room to provide more space to move around. Also, I'll be able to see the TV while I'm walking. That'll be cool. Maybe I'll walk during Days!

Took the prenatal multivitamin and the fiber this morning and I feel fine. Not jittery. Not spazy. Not hyper. Just energetic and healthy.

How come I've been craving a cigarette terribly for the past hour and a half?!?! This is driving me crazy!

Help in the Early Stages

2005-05-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

After my weigh-in this morning, Nutrition Support contacted me regarding some concerns I was having about my need to snack more often throughout the day. They suggest that you save a portion of your meals (fruit, yogurt, milk, etc) to eat between meals if you get hungry. But I was getting hungry regularly and my blood sugar was dropping...not a pretty picture. So I was going over my cal. limit each day.

Long story short, Nutrition Support got back to me quickly. I told them how much activity I was doing regularly and they increased my cal intake by 100-200 cals. That'll work well. I'll be able to save parts of my meals and therefore won't go over as often. WHEW!

Wrote them again and asked for a suggestion of a multivitamin. Waiting to hear back.

Too Many Vitatmins?

2005-05-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

I've had a steady headache for the last four days and twice it has mutated into a migrane. To combat the migrane, I chug a glass of caffinated iced tea and three ibuprofen. It's not pleasant and it's highly unusual for this to be happening.

I know my migrane triggers and I have not noticed any of these triggers to be present in the past week. At least not consistantly. So this morning I took a long hard look at what I'm putting into my body and researched a little bit online (thank you, Google and WebMD!).

I wondered if because I am not filling my body with so many carbs and sugars as I used to, could my head be reacting with a migrane or general headache? Possibly. But unlikely. Because the foods that I am now eating in lieu of those carbs and sugars are supposed to be GOOD for me: fruits, veggies, dairy -- all well-balanced every day.

So after some initial research, I've concluded that my vitamin supplements might be causing it! Here's why:

1. I am taking One-A-Day Weight Smart multi vitamin. This has ECGC (green tea extract) in it to speed up metabolism. It's making me hyper, much like caffiene does. One of my main triggers for my migranes is excessive caffeine. It's a double-edged sword, really. If I have too much caffiene, I'll get a migrane. If I don't have enough caffiene, I'll sometimes get a migrane. When I get a migraine, no matter the cause, if I take in some caffiene, it eases the pain and vision problems. So I think the ECGC is not doing me much good, really.

2. I read that if you are eating a well balanced diet and taking a multi vitamin daily, then you should not take more supplements because you can easily overdo the vitamins and minerals in your system, causing a variety of problems (acid indigestion, headache, heart disease, etc). In addition to the aforementioned multi, I am taking an iron supplement, a Cal-Mag-Zinc supplement, a C supplements and a Fiber tablet (necessary for IBS). I've been taking all of the above (except instead of the weight smart multi, I was taking a pre-natal multi to help my hair grow!) off and on for several months. But that's because I was lucky if I got TWO servings of fruits or veggies a week (not counting fried ones). I think I may be overdoing it now.

Of course, I realized all of this AFTER I had swallowed all of the aforementioned pills! UGH! On Tuesday I see my ShrinkyDink and I'll ask her about these extra supplements. In the meantime, I will drop the Weight Smart and go back to the prenatal multi until I can get to the store and get a regular ole, straight up multi. I won't take the extra supplements except the fiber.

Now I've got an eDiets meeting to join. Happy Sunday!!!

A Letter To My Body

2005-05-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Body,
Hello there. Long time no see! Remember me? I'm Abbey and I live inside of you. I've been responsible for you since about age 5 and I did pretty well there for a while. Remember way back in the day when mom was aneorexic and you started to compensate for her lack of weight by eating everything you could get your hands on? I guess I was busy reading Tiger Beat or Bop magazine, oogling over Johnny Depp. I forgot all about you for a while there. Until I saw a picture of us in a bathing suit at Corpus Christi. YUCK! We were only 13 and already starting to buldge out. Well, I woke up quick to that little predicament and put our young hormones to good use. We shed those unwanted pounds quickly and without problems.
We had some good times, you and I. Remember our graduation pictures? We were SEXXY! It's a wonder more guys didn't want to play with us in high school. (Sorry about those drugs, by the way. The brain was in charge of that one! Take it up with her!).
Then we went to college and got on Depo Provera. Damn that "fool-proof" birth control! It gave new meaning to the Freshman Fifteen, didn't it? I guess that's when I really started to lose touch with you.
I've been thinking about it lately and now it's time for me to admit, ashamedly, that I've been ignoring you ever since. That's been, what, ten years now? I am sooooo soooo sorry. I've a pocket full of excuses and explainations but I know you don't want to hear it. I've ignored you and, beyond that, have treated you poorly for far too long now.
I poured lots of booze into you for a couple years there when I was trying to escape the reality of life. But you started standing up for yourself after a while, didn't you? Brave lil' body! You began revolting: NO MORE QUERVO! NO MORE BUTTERSCOTCH SCHNAPPS! NO MORE RED WINE! I got the message, loud and clear.
Guess you weren't satisfied. You eventually came up with this brilliant idea of developing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I see your motive now: it was your defense mechanism against the excessive stress, lack of sleep and too much junk food that I indulged in for a while. Clever you! That woke me up for a while. I started paying attention to you...well, part of you anyway. For a full year I gave you fiber and tried to limit my cheeseburger intake. No more Fudruckers for us, eh? Again, got the message!
And then I went and fell in love. Ah, sweet love. Brain was happy. Heart was happy. I was happy. Alas, we all forgot about you again. Our lover was a heavy guy so it was easy to ignore you when we were around him, eating fried EVERYTHING, ordering appetizers AND desserts, pigging out late at night in front of the TV, holding hands. I thought that you enjoyed that. I really did. The TasteBuds deceived me! They told me that you LIKED all that sugar and grease. They said that you deamanded it on a regular basis. I believed them! I'm a sucker!
So sorry. So so sorry.
A couple years ago I noticed you were still being neglected so you devised various complications called Acid Reflux (GERD), Anxiety Disorder (Brain and Heart should really take some of the credit for that one, though) and Kidney Stones (NOT NICE, Body, so not nice!). But HA! I headed you off at the pass! Behold the magic of prescription medication! I gave you Nexium and Paxil for the GERD and anxiety. For the kidney stones, I stopped taking so much calcium (DUMB me!). These were but blinders for me, mute buttons for you. I didn't want to hear you complaining. I didn't want to feel you revolting anymore. I thought the Taste Buds were speaking the truth and I just didn't want to take the time to slow down and tend to your basic, metabolic needs.
Alas, all this time there was something else in us. The Goddess of Biological Clocks began winding her wheels, greasing her gears, sounding her alarms. I've been hitting the snooze button as long as I can. I'm starting to develop calluses! And clever little you, again, found a way to jump on her back and sound the alarm ever-louder. No snooze button will shut you two up together! You are an army that I cannot defeat, let alone ignore!
The jig is up. The alarm has sounded. I hear you both loud and clear now.
We all want a baby. In the past six months I've given Brain and Heart some thereapy to begin dealing with issues that will help me be a better mother when the day comes. And now it's your turn, too. YOU're the one who will choose when it's time to actually help CREATE this life. YOU're the one who will carry and support it inside of us for nine months. YOU're the one who will be running from room to room, tending to bottles, baby screams and cries, carrying baby and bags and toys etc etc for the next 18 years. YOU have to get in shape for this future baby of ours! And now, it's time. I AM GOING TO HELP YOU. We can do this together! I am sure of it! Absolutely sure of it! Together we can conqure all challenges, learn new skills, adapt new and healthier habits! Don't you worry about TasteBuds...I've already begun to re-train them to enjoy strawberries, raspberries, cucumber, lettuce just as much as they used to enjoy Neopolitan ice cream, cheese hot dogs, and buttery popcorn. I can take care of them and you at the same time. Brain and Heart are behind us 100%. So, see, with this many aspects, we are destined to succeed! Together we can lose these 95 pounds! We can do it for our future children! We can do it for our husband and our sex life! WE CAN DO IT FOR US!!!!!
I see you now, Body. I can feel you there. I'm looking at you in the mirror and running my hand over your curves at night, trying to get an idea of what you're all about. I'm giving you better food and filling you up with water. We shall be alive and well for many years to come. I will ignore you no longer. This, I promise.
Love forever and always,
Abbey

A Step Ahead

2005-05-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Weigh in day isn't until Monday but I just couldn't stand it. I climbed onto the scale first thing this morning and noticed that I had lost 4 pounds! At least, I think I did. I totally don't trust my scale. It was not "zeroed" yesterday so I had Honey fix it. I'm pretty sure it was zeroed when I checked my starting weight on Tuesday. Regardless, I'll take it!

What really matters is that I'm feeling GREAT! I have 10 times more energy than I did before I started this meal plan. And I'm not getting absolutly starving too quickly. Used to be black and white for me: I'd be stuffed with a bunch of food and feel full for a couple hours and then BAM! I'd be completely ravishing all of a sudden. My blood sugar would plummet and I'd turn into CrabbyAbbey if I didn't get food in me ASAP! But the last couple of days have been different. I eat a healthy meal and satisfy my tummy. It keeps me satisfied for four, maybe five hours if I'm lucky. And then I start getting a little hungry. So I have a healthy snack if it's not time for dinner yet. I spent the last week close to home as I was testing out this new diet. I was concerned that I'd be out and about and get starving and then find myself unable to stick to my meal plan. My testing was successful. I've already learned to plan ahead. I planned my whole weekend of meals on Weds just to be on the safe side. For example, I got up at 7 and ate a nutritious breakfast. I have a class from 11-1 today so I'll probably get hungry by noon in the middle of the class. So I need to plan ahead and take a light snack with me. But instead of taking Doritos or a fat-loaded granola bar or a gigantic Starbucks latte, I'll take some low-fat graham crackers with low fat peanut butter on them. I had some of those last night while we were out shopping before we got to dinner. It was perfect. And it gave me energy.

I'm not as tired and lazy. Yesterday I experienced an uncomfortable situation where my body (having IBS) was trying to adjust to having salad once or twice DAILY. This exhausted me. So I rested in the recliner for a while. Not for two hours. Not the entire afternoon. I was only resting for a half hour then I felt better and wanted to get up and get on with other things. AMAZING!

Feeling great. Have some more to write about but I have to get ready for my class. Later....

Second dinner

2005-05-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

Why do I always think that I need to have a snack a couple hours after dinner? I'm already planning for it when I'm done eating dinner. Even if I'm full. I'm afraid of getting hungry before bed I guess. I've maxed out my cals today so there will be no sorbet for me tonight. But why do I think I can't survive without TWO snacks each day instead of just one as allotted by my meal plan?

Leftover Food

2005-05-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've got all this sugary, high-fat, not-so-good-for-you food in my pantry that I need to get rid of. I'm talking about a jumbo box of Hershey's chocolate chunk cookie mix (it used to have enough for three batches in it - now it's down to one!), a box of Duncan Hines Family Size Double Fudge Brownie Mix, various bags of sugary cereals, marshmallows, etc etc. I don't want any of it right now but I just don't want it in there taking up space. Maybe I'll be able to make and have a cookie like that in the future but probably not before the package expires.

So I'm boxing all that food up and taking it to my dear friend Mandy. She's single and loving it but she never has any food in her house. She's petite and thin and has a metabolism that I would die for! She has already agreed to accept the donations so it's all going over with me tomorrow night! But don't you worry...I'm not trying to fatten my little friend up. No no. When I told her about my plan to lose 95 pounds on eDiets she was psyched for me and offered to have me come over to her apartment complex and work out with her once a week. Recently, I've been exploring and learning the value in accepting offers to help so I took her up on it. In about two weeks (when my assigned exercises increase beyond these low-impact, 15 minute warm up sessions) we're going to meet after she gets off work once a week and work out together. I'm psyched!

And my sister-in-law has offered to bring me along on her daily, or at least frequent hikes in the foothills. She also expressed interest in taking a Yoga class with me. Again, I still need to warm up my body to so much activity before I go out with these ladies but I will take her up on it soon.

Last night in my guitar class, I was sitting there looking at my teacher's hips (not in a sexy, lesbian way, mind you). Last week, she was wearing a baggy dress that caused me to assume that she was in the early stages of pregnancy. But last night she was wearing jeans and I could tell that she clearly was not pregnant. My bad. She's not fat by any means. I think it was just how the dress hung on her last week. But anyway, last night she was wearing these jeans and sitting on the stool, crossing her legs comfortably and I noticed a little pudge sticking out above her hip. I wondered if she thought she was fat. I don't think she's fat. I mean, she's about as tall as I am, a few years older, but stand her up next to me and any fool could point to me as the fat one. But it's like we who are obese are on a completely different side of a fence than those who are not overweight. We can see them and we can desire to look like them but most of the time, we just don't look. We don't want to. We don't want to face up to the fact that we don't look like them. And they don't look at us most of the time because we're kind of scary looking. That's okay. I think people who are much larger than me are a little scary-looking, too.

But you know what? All these years since I've been packing on the pounds, my self image is soooooo not this fat! In my daily life, I don't imagine myself as fat. I think I'm the same comfortable weight that I was in high school; before my Depo-Provera weight gain, before my Freshman Fifteen, before my excessive drinking, before my serious relationship with a man who ate anything that was deep fried and lots of it. I've got my mirrors trained at home. I'm not sure how to explain it but all of the bathroom mirrors in my house (that's all the mirrors I have) reflect back to me someone who is not quite as fat as I really am. Not nearly as thin as I am in my head but not really this big. Maybe it's how I actually look at these mirrors. Maybe I look at them so quickly or squint my eyes ever so much so as to block out the buldges and "extra padding." So imagine me shock, surprise and horror when I go to a friend's house and happen to catch a glimpse of myself in their mirrors. That's not me! That can't be me! Who is this imposter in my clothes?!

Last week my husband and I went shopping for some spring and summer clothes. It's bad enough that I am restricted to all the "Women's" stores (Casual Corner Woman, Dress Barn Woman, Fashion Bug) or the plus size departments in very few popular department stores. But last week was the final straw for me. I picked out some cute clothes. They were to cover all the right spots on my body and expose all the other sexy parts (very few). I picked out some pants and realized that the size I was choosing was the last size that most of these stores carry. "Hmmm," I wondered. "Where will I go next year when I gain a size?"

When I came out of the dressing room to check myself out in the three-way mirrors I was appalled. Nothing looked good. Not even moderately good. About two years ago, I was able to wear "Fat Chick Clothes" and still pull it off as kind of sexy, cute, and slightly flattering. But this was the case no more. This time, the dresses looked like potato sacks, the pants looked like balloons, and the blouses looked like trash. I walked away with four solid colored, boring t-shirts (again, in the largest size they had). Intrestingly enough, when I brought all four shirts home in their plastic bag and set it on the floor of the bedroom, one of my cats proceeded to chew, claw and tear at the bag and, subsequently, the shirts inside of it. I wasn't around to stop it but eventually he completely destroyed two of the four shirts I had purchased. I couldn't take them back to the store nor could I wear them. All I could do was throw them out. I pondered on this for a long time and came to the conclusion that it was a sort of "sign." A signal that it's time for me to do something about my body if I want to wear nicer clothes.

I spent the weekend thinking it over and psyching myself up and then Monday I signed up on eDiets. That's how I got here. Later, maybe, I'll tell you how I got fat. It didn't happen overnight so I have to remember that I won't lose the weight overnight either! Patience, young gwasshappa'. Patience.

Mmmmmm

2005-05-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

I just made a mushroom and green onion omlette with feta cheese on a whole wheat pita. This omlette was HUGE! Made with one whole egg and three additional egg whites. YUM! I sorta burned it a bit but I ate it anyway. Didn't even finish it. I also had a spinach salad and some honeydew melon. MMmmmmmmm GOOD! I am full and happy.

I participated in an online meeting this afternoon. It was on Journaling and Feelings. Here are some notes I took:

make one positive statment about self every day
Don't let yourself get too H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)
Every evening, try to journal. Ask yourself some of these questions:

What did I learn today?
What did I do that made my day fulfilling?
What could I have done differently?
What do I need to forgive myself for today?

Write about the positive aspects you see in people (including yourself) instead of the negative things.
LIVE FOR TODAY!
EASY DOES IT! Take it one day at a time. Don't burn out.
Remember this is a lifestyle change, not just a diet. It's an adjustment.
Celebrate every happy moment.
Do one good thing for yourself every day.
Do one good thing for someone else every day.
Do one good thing for the world every day.

I'm still 265 cals short of my maximum limit for today. I'll save those for a small snack when I get home from class tonight. Maybe I'll have a couple low fat cookies. Need sweet. M mmmmmm

Interesting surprise

2005-05-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

I quit smoking a couple months ago. Since then, I only have a cigarette after much drinking of the beer. I had one cigarette last weekend. No big deal. I've kicked the cravings, intense nic-attacks, etc. I'm breathing better and I don't even think about it anymore (unless there's beer around). I refused to believe that I put on even more weight when I quit smoking. I was already heavy and I never weigh myself so I really couldn't tell you for sure. It didn't seem like I ate any more than usual or anything. I didn't think that I compensated food for cigarettes. But now I think I did.

Yesterday, day one of the diet, after eating a nutritious breakfast, snack and then lunch out with the family, I suddenly was hit with a craving to smoke! An hour or so passed after lunch and I still wanted to smoke! I didn't though. That's not really a problem I don't think. Eventually the craving subsided but returned again later in the evening. And just now, two hours after having eaten a nice, filling, well-balanced meal, I'm dying for a smoke! I keep drinking water and I'm headed to the treadmill after I hit the Publish button. But my goodness...what a surprise this is to me! Apparently, deep within my brain, I have been abusing my body with either cigarettes or sugary, fatty food. So what now? Is this going to get worse? Ack!

EXPENSIVE!

2005-05-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

I forgot how expensive dieting can be at first! Does it stay this expensive every week at the grocery store? I mean, I knew produce was mucho-dinero but so is the junk food that I normally used to get. I just replaced the junk food in my cart with fresh fruits and vegetables. Our grocery bill shot up $100 more than usual last night! UGH!

My plan to have Honey go with me and offer moral and energetic support kinda backfired. He was willing to go but by the time we were done at Best Buy and got to the store, he was already starving and therefore cranky. I tried to hurry but this was a new list to me and I didn't know where half of these healthy foods were actually located in the store. By the time we finished up and checked out, I was in tears. I had to go sit in the car while he paid and loaded it all up. I was hungry, frustrated, defeated and still scared. I felt completely overwhelmed and still had to go home, unpack, clean veggies and preapre dinner. Honey didn't have time to eat dinner with me b/c he had a class last night so I had to make some adjustments to my meal plan. That was no problem. eDiets makes it so easy! I love it!

I shed a few heavy tears and then took some deep breaths. I felt better after that. This is a huge change in my life and it's going to take some getting used to. And I have to keep in mind that this is why I decided to start this endeavor at the beginning of summer - out of school and have more time to plan ahead, prepare and cook meals, etc.

I did my low-impact toning exercises last night as I watched TV. Did some Seated Leg Extensions and Close Stance Wall Pushes. I was supposed to be focusing on using my quadricepts and triceps but I didn't really know where those muscles were located so I think I was using the wrong ones! When Honey got home from his class, I got an enthusiastic lesson in The Muscles of the Human Body! He was in wrestling and took Weight Training several times in High School. Who knew he knew so much about muscles?! He's so awesome!

I might take that virtual image of me down today. I thought I liked it but it really isn't true to form. My gut hangs out a lot more than that and I'm really just much wider in the middle overall. And really, who wants to see my virtual self in my undies every time you visit this page?! I had Honey take some pictures of me in my skivvies yesterday in order to serve as before, during and after pictures of my progress. Not sure if I have the balls to make them accessible through this blog, yet, like some of my courageous pals out there! But we'll see.

Today's Nutritional Summary

2005-05-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

Good news...my daily caloric intake should be 1600-1700. Today, I've had 1794. Not bad, considering I usually eat well over 2000! And here's part of my nutritional summary for today:

* Daily Meal Percentages are based on a 2,000 calorie daily diet
Fat - Your value is 67. Knowing which fats to avoid can help lower your overall consumption. Not all fat is bad. Your total fat intake based on a 2,000 calorie diet should be 65 grams or less. Limit whole milk products, fatty meats, butter and oils such as palm and coconut oil. Increase those fruits and vegetables!
Saturated fat - Your value is 16.4. Saturated fat is within normal range. The Daily Value for saturated fat is less than 20 grams based on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.
Cholesterol - Your value is 301.2. intake above 300 milligrams? Your diet is an important factor in controlling cholesterol. Foods high in soluble fiber, like oatmeal, beans and peas and fruits and vegetables are good food choices to help lower cholesterol levels.
Sodium - Your value is 3259.9. Did you know your sodium level is above what is recommended? Sodium intake should be less than 2400 milligrams based on a 2,000 calorie diet. By limiting your daily intake you can help lower blood pressure and reduce fluid retention. Avoid the salt shaker, convenience and processed foods.
Carbohydrate - Your value is 237.7. Carbohydrate level is within normal range. The Daily Value for carbohydrate intake is 300 grams based on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.
Fiber - Your value is 22.2. Increase your fiber! Fiber is an important part of a healthy diet providing benefits to the digestive system and by reducing blood cholesterol levels which can help reduce the risk of heart disease. Aim to include 25 grams of fiber or more a day. Add some fiber-rich whole grains, vegetables and fruits.
Sugar - Your value is 90.6. No daily reference value or recommendation has been made for the total amount of sugars to eat in a day. Sugars listed on the Nutrition Facts panel include naturally occurring sugars including those added to the food. If sugar is listed as one of the top ingredients on the labels ingredient list, the item consists of mostly sugar and should be limited.
Protein - Your value is 65.8. Adequate protein intake is important to help build, repair and maintain body tissues. Based on 2,000 calories a day for adults and children over age four, 50 grams of protein is recommended. Good protein sources are meat, fish, poultry, dairy and eggs.

Use this to compare to further down the road.

Hungry on Day One

2005-05-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

It's only day one and I'm starving! I haven't been to the grocery store yet so I'm not able to stick to my ediets meal plan yet. I had two waffles with very little syrup this morning along with one scrambled egg and coffee. I left the powdered sugar in the cabinet and only two pumps of creamer instead of my usual 4. I already use Splenda in everything so I'm good there. Ate at 8:30. At 11:30 I was hungry so I had some reduced fat Wheat Thins and some Kahuna (sp?) cheese spread. Then went out to lunch with L and C (in-laws). I ordered the half grilled chicken with lemon, herbs and olive oil. Again, totally not on my meal plan but it's the best I could do in a pinch. I thought it would be a half chicken breast but it was literally half a chicken. I removed the skin (usually like to eat that) and ate half the meat on the chicken. Ate all the cooked veggies except the broccoli (blech) and only a couple bites of the mashed/whipped potato goodness. I felt satisfied. No longer hungry but not stuffed. It was all very oily though. Heavy on the olive oil and light on the lemon. Only had one small bite of L's crab cake and I bypassed her yummy-looking pub fries completely.

I don't think I'm depriving myself. I won't do that. I'm just hungry. Since I'm not stuffing myself silly already it's sending a shock to my tummy. Trying to drink more water. Did a lot of walking to and from and up and down stairs in model townhomes that L is looking to buy. That was good workout.

Will take Honey to grocery store with me when he gets home. I would like his moral support and energy as we stock up on healthy-ness.

Why am I still scared? I've made this decision for better health and a better life all around. SHouldn't I be gung-ho and happy instead of scared? What's up with that?

Couldn't Sleep

2005-05-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

For the life of me, I couldn't get to sleep last night. My mind was racing and bouncing off the walls of my brain a million miles a minute. Earlier in the evening I realized that I am scared of starting this diet. But what am I scared of? Not just the newness, the change. I love change and newness. I think I'm scared of failing, and of losing my regular eating habits. It's a lot of work to count calories, cook food, carefully select meals when eating out, not eating out, control portion size. I chose to start this quest now because I am out of school for the summer. And, I am in between goals at school. In response to my fears of failing, though, my husband would probably remind me that I had the same fears three years ago when I started back at school. I set a couple of goals for myself and started down the long and winding path of achieving those goals. I have just reached and accomplished those goals last week. And now I find myself needing to set new goals. Academically. So why not throw in some other sorts of goals to better myself along the way? I'll be much happier in the long run.

So when I couldn't sleep last night, I got up and roamed the web looking at blogs of others who are striving to lose weight. I've seen some success stories, found some great resources. I'll continue to seek these out as ongoing inspiration and motivation. And I'll add some more to my links lists over there.

What other forms of motivation can you suggest for me? Should I dig out some pictures of me in high school when I was thin (and yet still chose to wear baggy, manly clothes) and hang them up throughout the house? I've seen some blogs with before and after and everywhere in between pictures of their bodies. I'm thinking of doing that. What do you think? Any ideas?

Start at the Beginning

2005-05-09T16:03:00.000-07:00

I want to lose 95 pounds. I'm 255 lbs now and I want to be 160. This'll probably take me over a year to do. But I can do it. I've tried in the past, and have fallen off track many times. This time, though, I have motivation. I want to have a baby. AND SOON! In order to have a baby, I need to lose at least 50 pounds. So there is my ultimate goal.

I hate the way clothes fit (or don't) on me. I hate my swollen ankles. I hate getting winded just going up our stairs at home. I hate not fitting comfortably in the bathtub, airplane seats, theater seats, car seats....the list goes on. I hate that I can only shop at a select three or four stores to find clothes in my size. And they're all for old ladies: jungle print or embroidered vegetables on the shirts, shorts that look more like skorts. I want to be able to wear a sexy heal on my shoe. I want people to not be afraid to buy me clothes as gifts. And I want to be able to keep the clothes they do give me because they actually fit.

I want to get my waist down from a 24" to at least an 16". I want to wear a 36C bra again. I want to be able to buy bracelets that are made for normal-size wrists. I want to be able to have sex with my husband in more than three positions...COMFORTABLY.

I joined eDiets today. It's a place to start. I'll be tracking my progress through there. Meal plans and workout schedules and such. I can do this. I really can. I WANT TO DO THIS. And this blog is where I will bitch and moan, celebrate and cry, scream and yell my cravings, etc etc. Like my therapy blog, this is mostly for me. If you are reading this or want to keep coming back, friendly comments are welcome (hello, Haloscan!).

Here I go...

2005-05-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

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